The Rooster Strikes Again!

Moving the site...

2007-09-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

Well, Blogger has pissed me off one too many times. I have now moved my blogs to WordPress.

Update your favorites to www.theroosterstrikes.com and you will be redirected to the new and improved site.

For those of you that have not discovered WordPress yet, I highly suggest checking it out.

It is WAY more advanced and let's you do way more with it.

The good:
You can have sub-pages
The standard themes are way cleaner
Widgets are easy to use
More space
You can import all your Blogger posts to WordPress

The bad:
You have to pay $15/year to be able to update the CSS
You can't edit the HTML unless you are on FTP
The "tag" importation process is broken. You can import them, but they don't reassociate to your imported posts.

That's about it. See ya on the flipside.

Lithps are funny

2007-09-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Note: This entire post is spoken in "lisp".

Tho, my thtep-daughter-to-be jutht got her bratheth on yethterday. Ath part of the protheth, the orthodontitht had to put a bridge behind her two front teeth. Thith is thuppothed to help the overbite.

Ath thuch, thhe hath a major lithp. Everything thhe thays hath a lithp. It ith funny as thit. Ethpethially when thhe thtartth talking about her anime cartoonth. I can't recall all the nameth, but thhe did thpout them off a minute ago and all I heard wath:

"th-thththth-thth-th" or thomething along thothe lineth.

Tho, my advithe to you ith that if you ever need good tholid entertainment, throw thome brathes on your kid. If you don't have a kid, come on over to my houthe for hourth of endleth entertainment.

Well, thath all for now. Thee ya later thuckas!

P.S. Who's cruel idea was it to put the letter S in the word LISP?

What happened?

2007-09-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

So, over the last couple days my style sheet was blown and I didn't have my background or columns anymore. Not sure what happened, but I got it fixed now. Qwitcherbitchin.

Superman's other weakness

2007-09-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

I was so busy this weekend that I only had time to think about the really important things in life, such as holes in the story of why Superman's secret identity as Clark Kent has not been exposed to the characters in the DC Comics universe much easier.

Think about it. Clark Kent grew up in Smallville, defined in the movies and comics as the typical small town. You know, the type where everyone knows everyone. Or, as Ron White put it, "We lived in a small town of 400 people. Trust me, we've met."

This means, every one in that town knew Clark Kent. Now, think about people that wear glasses. People that wear glasses generally do not wear them 100% of the time. Especially if they don't know that one that day they are going to have a secret identity where the glasses will determine the difference in alter egos.

So, are they trying to convince us that Clark Kent NEVER took off his glasses in a small town, disallowing anyone in Smallville to one day put 2 and 2 together and recognize the man in tights plastered all over the Daily Planet to be their local farmboy, Clark Kent?

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke here and assuming higher intelligence from residents of Kansas. Either way, this is plan jackassery.

ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'

2007-09-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favorite recording artist, Fred Durst, has proven himself an idiot once again. Just to clarify, when I say "everyone's favorite recording artist", I mean "that moron every one believes is the definition of "jackass".

Check out this story: Durst pleads no contest in assault case

Who said this?

2007-09-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

(1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."

(2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few, and to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity."

(3) "(We) can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people."

(4) "We have to build a political consensus, and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own turf in order to create this common ground."

(5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."

(6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy - that they are being watched."

Now you might think these were the famous words of the Father of
communism, Karl Marx.

And you would be on the right track in thinking so.

But you would be wrong.
These pearls of socialist/Marxist wisdom are from non other than
our very own, home-grown Marxist. . . .

Hillary Clinton!

Can you be dumber?

2007-08-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not the type of guy that will watch the Miss USA contest, but this one would have been worth it. My co-worker showed it to me and I laughed my ass off.

Miss South Carolina was asked "There are a lot of people in the world that cannot find the U.S. on a map. Why?"

Miss South Carolina's response:
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq -- everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should... our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. -- or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future..."

OMFG. Can you believe that? Funny shit.

Then, to top it off, you can also get a "Miss South Carolina Collectible" on eBay

Jackassery Award of the Day, Vol. 2

2007-08-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Jackass 1: "Hey, let's play some frisbee!"

Jackass 2: "Sweet, sounds like fun. Wait... we don't have a frisbee"

Jackass 1: "Actually, I see one right over there. I'll grab it."

Jackass 2: "Perfect. Grab that and we'll start throwing it around"

Jackass 1: "Got it. Seems kind of heavy. Whatever. Here it comes!"

Jackass 2: "Holy crap, that is heavy. Whatever."

Jackass 1 and 2 throw the frisbee around a few more times and then:

Lifeguard: "STOP!!! PUT THAT DOWN GENTLY!"

Jackass 1: "Uh... alright... why?"

Lifeguard: "Hang on. I'm calling the police. You're not in trouble, just a retard."

Within minutes the police, including the bomb squad, shows up and confirms the frisbee is actually an old Soviet 6 kilogram anti-tank mine.

And that, my friends, gets the 2nd Jackassery Award of the Day.

Farewell WWN!

2007-08-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

Since I was a little kid, I was always entertained when I walked up to the register at a grocery and got a good glimpse at the current issue of Weekly World News.

Ah, good times, reading this high quality bullshit. Or as Tommy Lee Jones said in Men in Black: "best damn investigative reporting on the planet."

It's a sad day really - when such entertainment goes out the door. I bet there will be a lot less alien and Elvis sightings from here on out...

I figured I'd share some of my favorite WWN headlines:

"U.S. Paying Space Aliens to Find and Destroy Bin Laden!"
"African Tribe Worships Barbra Streisand's Nose"
"Man Poses as CPR Dummy To Meet Women"
"Seeing Eye Squirrels For Blind Dogs"
"Tiny Terrorists Disguised As Garden Gnomes"
"Vegan Vampire Attacks Trees"
"Bush's Plan to Protect the White House: Paint It Black."

Well, now the checkstand at the grocery store is going to be a lot less entertaining. I guess it's time to order online and have Bigfoot deliver...

Would you like one hump or two?

2007-08-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

"OK, my wife's birthday is coming up. What should I get her?" Says the old Australian man.

He thinks for a while and then "AH HA! I GOT IT! I'm going to get her a camel!"

So the man goes out and buys a 10 month old camel and gives it to his wife of many years.

The wife loves the camel and treats it like a pet, but the camel doesn't seem to recognize the dominence.

The rule is, you can love your camel, but you can't LOVE your camel.

So, the camel decides to practice a little mating ritual. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it involved crushing the old woman and killing her. The fate of the camel is unknown at this time.

With all camel-toe jokes aside, here is the story.

Sexy Mama?

2007-08-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

My advice: Before you post your MySpace tagline as "Sexy Mama" or post explicit photos, why don't you take a look at your pictures. Take a real good look and ponder the following questions:

I weigh XXX pounds. Since a camera always adds 10 pounds, can I justify calling myself "Sexy Mama" in the eyes of all who will see my profile?
Do hairy armpits in my gratuitous booby shot help define me as a "Sexy Mama"?
A mole above the lip can be considered a beauty mark. Is the same considered for my Mt. Fuji-size zits above my lip, on my chin, and on my forehead? Do the zits exude a "Sexy Mama" persona?
If the horse in the background is the most attractive thing in the picture, can I rightfully call myself "Sexy Mama"?

The answer to all these questions is HELL NO.

What Grinds My Gears

2007-08-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

You know what REALLY grinds my gears? Stupid bitches. My fiance (not the stupid bitch, just to clarify), has been friends with some girl (the stupid bitch) at her work for some time now. My fiance introduced her to her boyfriend, has been there for her through all her drama and listened to all her "woe-is-me" shit, and hung out with her when she had no other friends... yada yada yada. The whole shabang, being a great friend.

They were both in the same position at their company and were both shooting for higher positions. They made an agreement not to go for the same positions. They told each other which positions they were going for so that they didn't cross each other's applications. Well, one person held to that agreement... my fiance.

The stupid bitch ends up applying for the same position as my fiance. They go through the interview process and the stupid bitch ends up getting the job. Words from the hiring manager: "[Stupid Bitch] only got the position because she has a degree, even though you were much more qualified".

WTF?! First off, the Stupid Bitch just proved herself to be a real shitty friend, shitty person, and all around just a dumb cunt. Ya, I went there. I hope you read this Stupid Bitch. You will know exactly who you are! You are a fucking traitor! I already knew you were a psycho bitch when it came to you dating my buddy, but when you fuck with the woman I love, you hit a new low.

Secondly, WTF is wrong with this company?! You hire someone with a piece of paper when you know someone else is more qualified for the job? You are fucking idiots. No wonder all your products are shit. I wouldn't even buy a light bulb from you fucking morons.

Now back to you, Stupid Bitch. I hope you fail miserably at this job. I hope my buddy opens his eyes and sees you for the unrealistic psychotic bitch you are. I want your traitorous faults to be exposed to all so you can experience your friends (by association only) and colleagues turn their backs on you like you did to my fiance.

For everyone else reading this... sorry you had to see/read this side of me. Trust me, it takes A LOT to get me to this point.

I guess this just goes to say something about the friends I've had for so many years. I thank you and praise you for your friendships, for being there when I needed you, for feeling comfortable enough to come to me when you need me, for being just all around good people. I pray that you never get involved with someone like Stupid Bitch. Just to set expectations, I will NOT put up this shit for anyone else. If you do get involved with someone like this, please know that when I say something about it - take it seriously, don't be offended for long. I'm only trying to help not just you, but everyone esle in our circle. We don't need this shit.

The Pointless Smile

2007-07-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

You know, I feel like a hypocrite. I caught myself doing the same thing I find so annoying. What is this you ask? It's the "pointless smile".

It's when you are walking down the hall at work, or the sidewalk anywhere else and you are walking past someone and you both give the "pointless smile" to each other.

The "pointless smile" is intended to be a courteous gesture, but in reality, it's a "buster, I don't know you, I don't want to know you, so keep on walking" implication.

So, next time you walk by me and feel like giving me a smile like this:

Go fuck yourself.

Shady

2007-07-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

For the last year or so, I've lived in a rental house. It was a seemingly nice house. Decorated, decently sized, very nice yard. It was great for my fiancee and soon to be step-daughter. A few months into living there, we found a leak in the roof. It wasn't too bad, or so we thought.

As summer came to a close, fall and winter rolled in. We had big rainstorms through 2007 and as each one hit, the leak got worse. We kept exeriencing this and it is still a problem to this day.

My landlord had "fixed" this many times. I use the term "fixed" very loosely. He kept sending his friend to "fix" it. In fact, while I lived there, I have had to be home 8 times while these issues were addressed. Apparently there were another 6 times before we even moved in.

It wasn't a huge leak, so we figured we could negotiate a lower price on the house since he offered to sell it to us.

When we talked about buying the house, the landlord said he wanted $390,000 for it. At that point, we decided we were going to check out other houses that didn't have issues, would cost way less, and not have a trashy-ass trailer park with mass mullets running amuck across the street. The owners are going to sell it anyway

We found a beautiful home with almost nothing needing to be done for $340,000. Awesome deal, love the new house, but that's not the focus of my story here.

Anyway, in our last week there, we are in the process of cleaning the place up. My fiancee just called me and said a drywaller was there and overheard a conversation between him and the owners of the house. The owners asked him to cover it up and make it look like there was no damage.

So the guy gets to work, tears the ceiling apart, and discovers the entire roof is on the verge of collapsing because it is so rotten.

He tried nailing two 2x4's on each side of the support beams to give them new support. The original support beams couldn't support the new 2x4's. They didn't crack, they didn't break. They smooshed. WTF?! Ya, I know, wood isn't supposed to smoosh, but this time it did.

This is so bad. I've talked to every roofer that has come out to do an estimate. Every single one of them have said I dodged a bullet. I didn't know how big this bullet was until this last incident.

And yet, the owner is still trying to cover this up and sell the house. Hm... who wants to start a pool on how long it takes for someone to sue my old landlord for everything he's got?

The Obituary of Common Sense

2007-07-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

A friend passed this along to me in email. It is so true! Enjoy.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments becamecontraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when youcouldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed torealize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Had to share this pic...

2007-07-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

I saw this picture on one of my friend's myspace profiles and laughed so hard I snorted and had tears in my eyes. I hope you find this as funny as I did. You may have to click to open in a new window to see it right.

It's not a competition!

2007-07-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

So, I was the 2nd person out of 4 of my circle of friends to get engaged within the last year. I was the first to set a solid date.

First I get a call from Nameless #1 confirming when my wedding was, then proceeded to tell me he was getting married just a few days before me, but "don't worry, I'll hold off on my honeymoon so I can go to your wedding". Sorry dude, I don't believe that for a second. You've been with your fiance for about 2 years and not once has she even bothered to meet your friends. There is a snowflake's chance in hell she will let you hold off your honeymoon so that you can attend a friend's wedding that she has never even met.

Next, I found out from Nameless #2 that him and his fiance (no offense, but she is a fat ugly bitch that somehow controls you without you even knowing, that we all think you are a complete dumbass for marrying) had set their wedding the DAY BEFORE MINE. When everyone found this out, they highly suggested they change their date because people were going to be forced into choosing which wedding to go, and people would choose the wedding they actually support - you know, the one where they like more than just the groom...

The only good one, my buddy Brad, had tentatively planned his wedding an entire month before. That is fine by me. At least Brad isn't trying to steal anyone's thunder.

My point here, to the first 2 "nameless" people, is that you suck. You are very inconsiderate. Whether you are being just plain rude, ignorant, or both, the fact is this is not a competition.

#1, I never said anything about this to you because honestly, I wasn't sure if your wedding was real, that it might have been like the "she's buying a me a porsche", "she's buying me a skyline", or "she's buying me a condo" claims that never happened. You're a great guy, but the boy can cry wolf only so many times, ya know?

#2, you are LUCKY that we were already considering moving our wedding date up. Otherwise, you would be very disappointed on got your wedding invitation RSVPs, having few to none of your friends showing up because YOU forced them into choosing.

Brad - you're cool. Nice work. You were the first to get engaged and you are one of my best friends, so I made sure I gave some time in between your engagement and mine, and that our weddings were not going to be so close to each other.

Anyways, long story short, I hate competition. With #1 and #2 above, that's exactly what this was turning into. I'm not about that. I have changed my wedding date to January 26th, 2008.

Maybe having a January wedding will mean no one can f*** with this date. I'm not moving it again. If anyone else tries, expect justice: A kick in the nuts and a punch in the neck!

New Slide Show

2007-06-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

OK, so I updated the picture slideshow at the top of this page to a rotating cube. I really like it, but the fact that it's not centered is pissing me off. The code is set to align="middle" but it's just not working. So if you have a suggestion, let me know. If not, you'll have to deal with it just like me.

Watch out!

2007-06-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching the news and they were talking about 5 people in the Stanwood, WA area that was hit by lightning during our storm last night. 5 PEOPLE! Holy crap. Anyway, that is not what I'm focusing on here.

During the news cast, they were saying a non-profit organization is going through a Thunder & Lightning Safety Awareness excercise. The "best advice" was "to avoid getting struck by lightning, just watch out for thunderstorms".

Uh... what? OK.

Well, with that said, I guess I understand why this organization is "non-profit". They are so obvious that no one would pay them a dime.

So, in honor of what I will call "Captain Obvious Safety Awareness", I decided to add a few safety notices myself. Maybe I can get paid for all my hard work here, multiplying their effectiveness to a wide range of safety issues.

To avoid getting carjacked, watch out for carjackers.
To avoid getting getting VD, watch out for people with diseases prior to sleeping with them.
To avoid getting in a car accident, watch out for cars (or fast approaching telephone polls) that are about to hit you .
To avoid getting stuck in a hostage situation, don't walk into a building that is full of people tied up with guns to their heads by guys with ski masks on.
To avoid becoming dumber by the minute, don't watch Dr. Phil.
To avoid drowning, keep water out of your lungs.
To avoid falling from a tree, don't climb it.
To avoid getting bit by a dog, don't piss him off.

OK, I think I've given you enough advice that you can learn and live by, allowing you to stay alive for a little while longer.

Disclaimer: If, while reading any of my safety precautions above, you had an epiphone... then this is solid proof that evolution has been proven WRONG.

Project Passat, Phase 2...

2007-06-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

Phase 2 of Project Passat has been completed!

- Bilstein Sport Shocks
- H & R springs, dropping 1.75" in the front, 1.5" in the rear

It makes such a difference. It's like I'm driving on rails. After I got the alignment, I took the car for a test drive on a certain road that has all sorts of weaves, turns, corners, and of course, never any cops. It's actually a private business road that for some crazy reason is not closed and can be access by anyone. Anyway, let's just say that I was taking those turns anywhere between 60-75 mph, barely even getting any body roll/sway. There still was some, so I think that just means Project Passat Phase 2.1 will be coming around shortly: Front and rear sway bars.

After that will be Phase 3. This will be some engine work. An APR chip upgrade, new diverter valve, and depending on funds after buying this house I am in the process of, a downpipe and cat-back exhaust.

Anyway, here are the new pics:

They're creepy and they're cooky...

2007-06-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

Identity thieves think they are so smart. Well, this story proves them wrong. They were phishing for personal information and apparently someone knew what was going on and decided to mess with them.

How, you ask?

The "phishing victim" went to the phishing site and entered:

First Name: Herman
Last Name: Munster
Address: 1313 Mocking Bird Lane
Birthdate: Aug. 15, 1964
Credit Card Number: Fake

Here is the news article

Two thumbs down...

2007-06-19T21:22:00.001-07:00

So, I never saw Ghost Rider in the theater, so I decided to pick it up. First things's first: Pay attention to the price of the DVD! I bought several items with it, so it slipped past me. Apparently the DVD, not even being HD or a bundle pack, was $35.00!!!

I won't go into details about the movie, but I will tell you it sucked. It was very open-ended and had a cheesy plot line that didn't follow the comic book very much at all, and the CG was pretty tacky.

Save the 123 minutes of your life and the $35 in your wallet and go get yourself a steak and a few drinks, or maybe even a cheap hooker if you can't get any for free. At least this way you'll walk away happy. Unless the hooker had crabs or something. In that case, you should have just bought the DVD. Dumbass.

Tilt Steering Wheel = More Head Room

2007-06-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Good ol' Seattle gets some good stories. My fiance passed this one on to me and I felt it had to be shared.

Basically, some dude and his girlfriend got pulled over from driving eratically in a Seattle suburb. The trooper walks up to find both of them naked. They were gettin it on while driving. Oh, and there were some bottles in the back to.

So this story uncovers that there is a law calling "embracing while driving" a misdemeanor. I did not know that...

You can read the full story here.

Lessons learned...

2007-06-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

So, getting ready for the PNW sponsored Drive to Leavenworth (this is an annual charity event where all the VWs, Audis, BMWs, and Porsches make a road trip to Eastern Washington) , I wanted to get suspension for my Passat, so I found the "best deal" for Bilstein shocks on Autozone.

Ya, I know you guys are probably already snickering at this one. I've never ordered from them before so I didn't know how moronic they are.

So, 7 days after ordering the shocks (also getting my H&R springs seperately from Futrell Autowerks), FedEx drops the packages at my house. I was expecting 2 boxes, one being the front shocks and the other being the rear.

My first indication that something was wrong was that one of the boxes was 2'x2'x6". Hmm... those front shocks must huge!

I opened the big box to find a radiator for a Honda.

I opened the other box and found one rear shock. Just one.

WTF?!?! Lesson learned: Never order from Autozone, they suffer from what I call jackassery.

So, I'm freaking out because I already have an appointment on Saturday to have them installed.

Since I just had great customer service from Futrell Autowerks, I called Aaron to see if there was any way they could get them in by Friday night. Aaron made a few calls, then called me back with great news.

The shocks will be in tomorrow night, by 5:30.

My highest regards to Futrell. They just secured business with me for life. Nice work Futrell. Cheers to you.

Futrell Autowerks

Update: To top everything off, I took the radiator and the ONE shock back to a local Autozone store so I could get my money back immediately and not have to deal with the return shipping. Here is what the manager said:

1) "I don't know what I'm going to do with this radiator. Wanna sell it? We have no record that you have this."
2) "Autozone.com always does **** like this. I can't believe it, I deal with this at least 5 times a week."
3) (Last but definitely not least) "Don't ever shop at Autozone. The website, here, or any other store. This company sucks. I'm just here for the paycheck."

I ended up getting the rest of my shocks at about 12:30 today. Now it's just time for installation, aka Project Passat, Phase 2!

Faux... Wedding Cake?

2007-06-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

So, most of us know that I'm getting married in less than a year (countdown is at 340 days as I write this blog). As the soon-to-be-married-guy that will be paying for my own wedding, I keep my eye out for good deals (thanks Cranky Monkey for the hook up on photography!).

Good deals are good deals, but sometimes, they are at major expenses such as this "new offer". Nothing says poor-ass-redneck like a faux (fake) wedding cake.

Click here for the full article.

Project Passat, Phase 1

2007-06-05T19:20:00.001-07:00

Well, it's official. Project Passat has kicked off. I got my new wheels today. They are 18" Privat Netz and I have to say, I freakin love 'em. It's amazing how much of a difference wheels make on a car. In fact, I'll show you the difference here with a "before" and "after" picture:

Before

After:

The first picture isn't the best quality, but you get the idea.

If you look closely, you'll also notice that took off the God-forsaken mudflaps. If you own a VW that has ever had mudflaps, you will understand the frustration. They scrape on everything, and loudly. So those little bastards are gone now.

I also de-badged my car so that it doesn't say Passat on it anymore. It's not that I don't like the name Passat, it's just that it looks much cleaner without the emblem. Here's another pic:

So, now that Phase 1 is complete, it's time to quickly move to Phase 2: Suspension. I'll be placing the order tonight for Bilstein shocks and Neuspeed springs, droppin' it 1.5 inches and what I like to call "curb mockery". If you like to drive like me or any of my buddies that drive euro's, you know exactly what curb mockery is.

Until next time.

What Grinds My Gears

2007-06-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I get up and get ready for work. Once I'm ready to go, I step outside and have my morning cigarette before I go fight the traffic. As I'm smoking my cancer stick, I notice my front license plate is missing a screw. Just one. The thing is the screws, as you can tell by looking at the picture below, need the cap popped off and then unscrewed to be removed. That doesn't just happen. That means someone actually made the effort to steel just one screw/cap combo from my license. Who does that?! Seriously?!

So, I called VW to find out if I could by just the one screw replacement, or even all four. Anything to avoid paying almost $30 for a whole frame. Nope. Notta. Gotta buy the whole damn thing.

The Uber GTI

2007-05-20T19:04:00.001-07:00

Alright, I'm a VW fanatic. You know this, I know this. Now I'm a little bit more crazy about 'em after seeing this. I got this article from Coolest Gadgets. While you read this, I'm gonna go change my pants because wow, after reading this myself, I need to. Oh, for you metrically challenged people 100kmh is about the same as 60mph... in 3.7 seconds.

The Golf GTI is the favorite hot-hatch of the world. It’s currently at its fifth generation. Yearly, in Worthersee Austria, there’s a GTI festival, where owners and fans of the GTI pay some hommage to this great car.
This year it’s the GTI’s 3-th anniversary, and Volkswagen have decided to reward their fans with a very, very special edition of the GTI. We’re talking an engine which is situated above the one found in the Phaeton (and Bentley Continental GT by that matter), and not so much below the one found in the Bugatti Veyron. It can do 100 kmh in 3,7 seconds, and exceed 200 mph.

What VW did here was to mid-mount a 6-liter W12 engine to a 3-door Golf and install a rear-wheel drive, making it a thoroughbred racer.

The engine is spectacular. It’s an evolution of the Phaeton’s 450 HP V12. It is made of aluminium in order to reduce the weight, has twin turbos and measures up at only 51×71x71cm, making it very compact. Its cooling systems receive air from the two big vents located just in front of the rear wheels.
The power is transmitted to the rear wheels, after passing trough a 6-gear Tiptronic transmission. I think a CVT transmission would have fared much better, but this type of tranny does not have too many fans among race drivers.
In order to give the new Golf the stability it needed, it has been widened by 16 cm and lowered by seven. Also, lots of aerodynamic aids have been added to the bottom, making wings and spoilers obsolete.
Design-wise, it’s also a notable evolution. The car looks sleek, with sexy wheels, and even discreet. While the huge air intakes and the four exhaust pipes hint towards power, it’s still hard to immagine its tremendous power just by looking at it.

Well Said!

2007-05-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today I got an email from my buddy who is a Marine and serving in Iraq as we speak. He shared the below with me stating he and all his fellow troops will stand by this message. I think, even though it is quite lengthy, needs to be read by everyone. It was written by Jay Leno and not comical at all. This is a side of Leno we don't normally get to see, but I personally would like to see more often. So read this, take it to heart, and quit your bitchin' you nutty leftists.

"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all he spoiled u ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.

They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day or at least be thankful and appreciative."

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno

Joys of Having Cable

2007-05-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time complaining about service-providing companies. I've complained, from my own experience being a customer service rep to being the customer myself, about how much of a pain in the butt these companies can be. I've dealt with "that guy" and I've been "that guy".

Well, my issue was that my cable was all out of whack. I have Comcast HD and found that any channel above 30 was blacked out. I had to power cycle my cable box just to get the stations back. Then the next issue would occur: I would change to a non-HD channel and then the picture would be all garbled and wouldn't go away. It was really annoying.

Anyway, I call Comcast. I dread hold times. I hate calling customer service, but I had to do this. So I call and the IVR says the hold time will be 5-15 minutes. Crappy, right? No! The IVR then gives me the option to enter my phone number and then they will place me in the queue so that when it comes my turn, they will call me. Very cool. So I did it and got the call back in about 3 minutes.

The coolness didn't stop there. I'm talking to the rep, telling her my issue, and she apologized for the inconvience and then asked how long this was happening. I told her about 3 months. She says OK, $33 a month, 3 months, I'll go ahead and credit $99 for you. WHOA! I didn't even ask for that! Freaking awesome. She then says she's going to need to send a technician out to my house to fix my cable box. Coolest customer service rep ever.

Fast forward to today when the technician shows up. He does a couple things on the box and then has me test it all out. While I'm testing it all out, he told me a little trick with HD TVs and basic cable.

Apparently, if you connect the cable directly to the TV (as long as it has an HD tuner built-in) and change the channel to x.1 (so if you wanted to watch channel 13 in HD, you'd change the channel to 13.1), you'll get the HD version. Even better, you will get all the paid channels that you might not normally have. So, I'll get HBO, Showtime, whatever.

Freakin sweet.

Mother's Day

2007-05-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

Ah, Mother's Day. A day to recognize and show our appreciation to the women who brought us into this world - And deal with our crap, for at least 18 years, and most likely many years beyond that.

I, amongst many other people, went to go visit my Mom yesterday. She is a wonderful lady. Very kind, sweet, and just all around a great person. The best Mom I could ever ask for.

It's funny to note that even though I'm 26 years old, 9 years since I moved out, that my Mom still finds it necessary to "raise me right". My Mom is very old-fashioned. A "Southern Belle" as some might say (yes, she's from the South).

I've done a lot of crazy stuff since I moved out at 17 years old. I've done a lot of stupid stuff. I've almost gotten myself killed a few times. My Mom doesn't know any of this, and I'd much rather not tell her. Ever.

In my last 8-10 years I have done lots and lots of drugs. Basically if I could drop it, drink it, sniff it, eat it, or smoke it, I did it. If I could trespass on private property or break into state fairs after hours, I did it. If I could drive under the influence, I drove it like a bat out of hell (a bat that was really f***ed up!). Long story short, looking back, I'm surprised I'm not dead or in jail for the stupid crap I did when I was younger (note: I quit doing all this about 5 years ago - except for the weed, which I didn't give up until almost a year ago).

The part I have to snicker over every time I leave her house, is the fact that my Mom will still reprimand me for saying things like "butt", "fart", or "sucks". She thinks saying these "curse words" is some of the worst things I've ever done.

Oh if she only knew... The poor thing would probably have a heart attack right there. Let's just keep this little secret between you, me, and the rest of the world that might be reading this blog right now.

God bless my Mom and to all the other Mom's out there that deal with kids like me. I honestly don't know how you do it. Kudos to you.

That's just NUTS!

2007-05-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

Botox. Silicone breasts. Penis pumpers. Toupees. Nose jobs. Liposuction.

Back in the 50's, the United States considered shutting down the patent office because they thought everything had already been invented. Then the computer was invented.

In the new millenium, we thought we had made every possible way to alter our natural appearances. Well, much like the patent office being saved by the computer, alterations of our God-given bodies has been resurrected and taken to the next level.

Many people neuter their dogs. Some people are now implanting fake nuts on their dogs when cuttin' off the old ones. It's called "Neuticles".

"We did it so Truman could still walk proudly down the street."

"We felt it would be good for him psychologically."

"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one."

"A dog is like a kid- consideration for his feelings."

These are some of the quotes from people that had their dogs get Neuticles implants. What the hell?!

"Dogs do just fine without their testicles."

"It's more about an owner's
ego than the dog's."

These are quotes from a veternarian and a reporter.

I have to say I agree with teh vet and the reporter. Anyone who thinks their dogs need fake nuts, is well, just plain NUTS.

The Omnipotent Stick Strikes Again! Vol. 4

2007-05-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

You know, living the corporate life, one of the more frustrating things is when people reserve conference rooms and then never actually hold their meetings, so the room was booked for no good reason. The effect of this is that when I want to reserve the conference room, it shows as unavailable. So I move to the next one. Oh that's not available either. This continues until I realize that no conference rooms are available and I'm forced to schedule my "urgent" meeting a week out.

I've learned to live with this. I'm not happy about it, but it's just the nature of the beast. Now I've run into something else.

This morning I come into the office to find a note on my office door that reads "This room is reserved Thurs 5/10 & Fri 5/11 - REYMAN". Um. What?

OK, this isn't officially my office. I am a vendor for Microsoft and as such, I am not provided an actual desk. I am a "squatter". Well, this "squatter" found this office and has been using it for almost three months now. There are open offices all around me, but this one I have pretty much claimed for my own.

Everyone around here knows this is the office I have taken. This is where everyone finds me, this is where I get my phone calls, this is where I hold small meetings. Not today or tomorrow though, because "REYMAN" decided to kick me out for a few days without consulting me first.

Fine, it's not officially my office, so I'll let it slide. Kind of. So I moved over to the next office (you know, the one that should have been reserved by "REYMAN" because this one is never used). I've walked by MY office several times today and NOT ONE PERSON has been occupying it. What the hell?!

I looked up "REYMAN" in the global address book at work and it turns out "REYMAN" already has an office on the second floor.

Why then, would "REYMAN" have reserved my office? Could it be they're expecting a visitor from out of town that would need that office? Maybe. Still doesn't explain why they didn't choose one of the empty offices around me to reserve. Could it be that "REYMAN" was having remodeling done in his own office? Maybe, but not likely.

I know! There is only explanation:

"REYMAN" is sharing the now well-known Microsoft Employee Transmitted Disease (METD), the Omnipotent Stick.

Pure jackassery.

Good Boy!

2007-05-03T17:03:00.000-07:00

Exempli Gratia, Irony

2007-04-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

The situation: Several classrooms at Des Moines Area Community College were evacuated after college officials became nervous about a suspicious package.

The task: Call bomb squad to investigate the suspicious package.

The action: Bomb squad investigates the package.

The result: Bomb squad finds a 500-pack box of condoms.

The irony: What is thought to be a bomb, threatening the safety of hundreds of students, turns out to be what is intended to keep those same students safe from diseases and pregnancy.

Moral of the story: Condoms result in an anti-climactic ending.

From good to bad, to worse

2007-04-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a weekend. Originally, my fiance and I were going to go for a day trip down to Seaside, OR. Well, typical Northwest weather said it was going to rain, rain, rain. I really didn't want to go to the beach on a cold and rainy day.

Instead, the wife-to-be and I decided we didn't want to hang around the house, so we made other plans.

First, we went to the Burke Museum of Natural History at the University of Washington. This was pretty cool. I've never actually gone to a real museum before. If you haven't, I suggest going. It's actually quite interesting.

Next we went to Alki Beach across the lake from Seattle. It wasn't rainy there so it was actually quite nice. We didn't really watch the tide too well though, so before we knew it, we were almost completely surrounded by water on our little island of sand. We narrowly escaped.

When we left, we were taking the I-90 floating bridge and some guy in a VW Jetta decided he wanted to play a little. So I played. We were racing each other at a nice leisurely 125+ mph across Lake Washington. That was fun.

That was the last of the fun. Once I got across the lake (3 times faster than I should have), the wife-to-be and I decide to go see a movie. I wanted to go see Aqua Teen Hunger Force, but I remembered we promised to go see that with my buddy and his girlfriend when they get back in town. I was thinking to myself, "I do want to see that new Nicolas Cage movie".

So I looked it up on my phone (because it's totally safe to surf the internet on the phone while driving), and found the show times.

We drove to the movie theater, got the tickets, popcorn, and soda. We went and sat down and started watching the previews. This is where things got bad. One of the previews happened to be for the Nicolas Cage movie I thought I was there to see. Apparently I mixed up the titles and confused "Next" for "Premonition". "Premonition" is the new Sandra Bullok movie.

Oh man. That was one of the dumbest movies I've seen in looooong time. Stupid, confusing plot and the b!%@# behind me wouldn't shut up.

So, after I walk out of the movie that was so retarded that the moviegoers should have worn helmets, we decide to go get some dinner. We love sushi and thought we'd try this place right by my house that we've never been to.

OK, it's 8:00 PM on a Saturday. Any other sushi place would be PACKED at that time. Not this place. We were the only ones there. I found out why. The only decent thing there was the california rolls and the gyoza. The other 5 or 6 things we ordered were either very distasteful or way too spicy. That place gets a big ol' thumbs down from me.

Time to go home and relax. As soon as I get home and settled in, my phone rings. It's my buddy who's out of town. The guy who was supposed to be taking care of his dogs got drunk in Seattle and couldn't take care of them that evening. The backup wasn't answering his phone. I'm the backup of the backup. Sometimes I hate the fact I am so reliable and always there when people need me. Especially after what comes next.

So, I drive 35-40 minutes in the pouring down rain to get to my buddy's house. When I finally got there, I let the dogs in and feed them. While they were eating, I thought to myself, "I'm gonna shoot some pool", so as I start walking over to the pool table: Sniff, sniff - What is that smell?!

Well, my friends, I just stepped in dog crap. Not a little bit from a little dog. It was a lot from a big dog. To make things worse, I'm wearing my running shoes, so they have a lot of traction - meaning lots of little crevices for crap to get into.

I proceeded to clean my shoes - which took about 20-25 minutes to get most of it out. When I'm done, I look over at the bird cage and realize it's missing something: The bird. Every litte door on the cage was unscrewed and the freaking bird was missing. It took a while, but I finally found the little bastard walking around the house. I put the cage back together and put the bird back.

Oh man, I did I need a cigarette. So I go outside, light one up, and decide I'm going to wipe my shoes on the grass to get any last remnants of the dog crap off my shoe. Well guess what? I got the remnants alright. The remnants of a whole new pile of crap!

So, that's how my Saturday went from good to bad, to worse. For the first time in my life, I actually looked forward to Monday.

One Square

2007-04-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I saw this "news" article on Google today: Sheryl Crow's war on toilet paper.

The jist of it is Sheryl Crow is calling for a ban on overusage of toilet paper. Limit one square per sitting. "It will help save the Earth".

This is something I should have added to my list of pet peeves: Celebrities who use their fame to voice their opinion to the world. Guess what? Artists, actors, etc became famous because of their talent in movies, music, whatever. Not because of their opinion.

Dixie Chicks were famous for their country music. Then they shared their political opinion in a concert. Now they lost their fame and the country music fans have boycotted their music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was a famous actor for dozens of movies. Everybody loved him. He then became the California Governer and pissed off a bunch of people with his "girly men" comment. Now he's hated by a lot of people. "It's not a tumor!"
Rosie O'Donnel... man, I don't even have to explain this one.
And now... Sheryl Crow wants to limit the world to one square of TP.

There are many, many more I could cover, but I think blogger has a character limit at some point.

The fact is, like I mentioned above, people only like these celebrities for their talent.

Opinion is not talent!

"My alarm didn't go off"

2007-04-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'm normally up and ready to leave my house for work every morning by 7:00, but not today. I woke up at 6:55. My problem is that I hit snooze too many times. My alarm clock will only snooze in 10 minute increments, for up to an hour, then it turns off.

While I'm annoyed at this functionality (that if I hit snooze 6 times, that's all I get), it is not the alarm clocks fault. Granted, this was probably some engineers cruel joke of "how to mess with the consumer", but whatever. In the end, it is my responsibility to get up when the alarm goes off.

This leads me to another session of what really grinds my gears: "I was late because my alarm didn't go off".

This is hands-down one of the most commonly used excuses for late. If I am late, I will not use this excuse. If you are one of those people who uses this as an explanatory of your being late, keep the following in mind:

Using a SWAG (super wild ass guess), a good 60-70% of people that are late in the morning will use "my alarm didn't go off" as an excuse. If 60-70% of people that use this excuse were actually telling the truth, that means that next up to Ford SUVs, this would be the highest defect rate for any technology on the market today.

Hm, how often do you hear about alarm clock recalls? I never have. You probably never have either.

There are billions of alarm clocks used in the world today. Probably less than .00005% (again a SWAG) are defective. That means 99.00095% of alarms work just fine and the millions of people who are late that use this excuse are flat out lying about why they are late.

Come on people. Try taking some responsibility for yourself. You were late because you were a lazy ass. Just like me this morning.

Police Academy Graduate?!

2007-04-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely amazed at this story. A sherriff wrote a ticket to himself because he changed lanes "unsafely".

I'm not at all bothered that he changed lanes "unsafely". I am impressed that he actually took reponsibility for himself. Most cops don't do that. Most cops break laws themselves and/or just don't protect or serve as they really should.

Not this guy. He actually did what was right. Kudos to you Sheriff Dennis Kocken. Kudos to you.

For more entertainment, refer to the plethora of articles in Cranky Monkey's archive for many stories on the other end of this spectrum: Police Academy Dropouts.

Dub Club

2007-04-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

So, most of you know that I am a VW enthusiast. As such, I thought I'd share a pic of my buddy's GTI that he just finished up. This dub is so clean, I have to say I am quite impressed.

I'm in shape...

2007-04-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

...and that shape is round. Holy crap. So, last night my step-daughter to be was playing with her new frisbee and accidently threw it up on the roof.

Me, being the nice guy I am, said I'd get up on the roof and get it back. The only problem: I don't have a ladder. So I pulled a MacGuyver and retrieved the larger trash can, pulled it up along side the house, jumped up on it and attempted to hoist myself on the roof.

Key word: attempted.

I quickly found out I am not in the same shape I used to be. You know, in shape, able to climb like a monkey, run like the wind, and actually be able to do stuff like this no problem. Nope, not the case anymore.

As I hoisted myself up, my extra 40-something lbs that is my gut got in the way and bounced me off the roof and I almost fell all the ground but luckily caught myself. How embarrassing.

Jackassery Award of the Day, Vol. 1

2007-04-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

Clooney Pays $20 at Kids' Lemonade Stand.

Seriously. I'm embarrassed to even provide a link to this story. I'd be impressed if it was something like "Clooney Pays College Tuition at Kids' Lemonade Stand". But it wasn't. It was $20.

$20?! Not only is that so incredibly cheap for the second lamest version of Batman, but he didn't even pay it, he sent someone over to pay it for him.

George Clooney, I present you with the Jackassery Award of the Day. Jackass.

Useless Info, Volume 2

2007-03-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sittin here sending emails at work and I noticed I use the acronym "e.g." quite a bit. General knowlege is that "e.g." implies "for example".

Huh? How does the acronym of "for example" turn into "e.g."?

Well, I got the answer.

"E.G." is short for "exempli gratia". It is a latin word where "exempli" means example and "gratia" translates to favor.

So, when translated and spelled out, anytime you see "e.g.", the author is saying "as a favor, here is an example".

That, my friends, is your Useless Information for the day.

Omnipotent Stick Strikes Again!

2007-03-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

Adventures at Microsoft... oh yes. What a grand time indeed. The Omnipotent Stick proves itself again.

Coming back from lunch today, I scan my badge to get in the building and as I start to step through the door, 8 people just barrel their way through, pretty much shoving me out of the way. From my (and anyone else that may have seen it) point of view, I was first there and should have been the first one through the door.

The first four people didn't even acknowledge me, just snubbed their way through with their noses sticking up in the air. The fifth and sixth people just gave a head nod, just acknowledging my presence. The seventh person said "Guess you're the doorman, eh?" and the eighth person actually said "thank you."

Congratulations #8, you're on my O.K. list. However, the Omnipotent Stick reigns freely on 1-7. I can't really blame them though, I'd be just as upset and rude to people if I had a sand-packed vagina and a stick shoved so far up my ass that it scratched my nostrils.

For other stories and how-to's on dealing with Omnipotent Stick, click on the titles below.

The Omnipotent Stick
Return of the Omnipotent Stick

Career Ping Pong

2007-03-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

It has become quite humorous about me career path, especially in the last year. Today, I got word that I might get a job back at my old company. I have bounced back and forth, mostly due to contract positions. With that said, it has become a game of Career Ping Pong. I decided to throw together a quick process flow to make my career path understandable to the layman:

My favorite quotes... In no particular order

2007-03-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.
Drive carefully, 90% of the people on the road are caused by accident.
Procrastination is a lot like masturbation: In the end, you're only screwing yourself.
Sure I believe in the Big Bang Theory. God said it and BANG! There it was.
Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or riding in a car over a bridge with Ted Kennedy? At least Cheney takes you to the hospital.
60% of the time it works everytime.
Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
If life gives you lemons, go find the guy who's life gave him vodka and have a party.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
You paid $250 for a used dog?!
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
64% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Duct tape and WD-40 are the only tools you'll ever need. Duct tape fixes things that move and shouldn't, WD-40 fixes things that don't move and should.
Illiterate? Write for help.
Politicians and diapers both need to be changed, for the same reason.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
If I'm not back in 5 minutes, wait 5 more.
Escalators are great because they never break. They just become stairs.
There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Rooster VS. IRS

2007-03-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

A while back I was groanin' and moanin' about taxes. If you care, you can read the post here.

I fought the battle, sent in the paperwork saying "You're stupid, I don't owe you nuthin'!" Well, that's what it said when you read between the numbers and documents of why I firmly believed I didn't owe the $199 they were saying I did.

I got a letter about a week ago saying "we have received your paperwork and it is being reviewed. We will contact you within 45 days with a resolution. We highly advice that you pay the amount owed and if we determine that the amount owed is valid, you will be charged additional interest."

With that said, I thought to myself "they can stick up their ___!", so I didn't send anything.

Amazingly, I heard back from them today. I didn't know they could function that quick. I've spent more time on hold over the phone with them in the past.

I was expecting "the charges are valid, here's the additional interest charged, send us a check".

Nope.

"We are happy to let you know that after reviewing your documents that we have determined we were incorrect in saying you still owe money for the 2005 tax year. This account has been closed upon your request."

WHOA!!! Did I just battle the IRS and win?! Yes, yes I did. Amazing.

Test Drive

2007-03-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to get the oil changed in my Passat at the dealership. While I was waiting, my buddy who is a salesman there, said "let's go drive the new Audi A3."

Me, being the VW/Audi fanatic I am, said "heck ya, let's go." So he threw me the keys and we drove off the lot.

The A3 is smaller than the Passat, about the same size as a Jetta. This was the only downfall - not that bad though. 2.0L Turbo, DSG (this is a dual-clutch automatic with paddle shifters), 200hp/207 lbs/tq, bucket seats, 18" wheels, stock lowered with euro suspension, incredible ESP, and a pretty sweet sound system with XM radio. 0-60 in 6.2 seconds. All stock.

This car put a perma-smile on my face. I drove the heck out of it. Sliding sideways around turns, turning on sport mode and watching the rev limiter raise up 7500 rpms on every shift, straight up burnin rubber. Oh man, this was a sweet ride.

It was everything I could do to keep myself from trading my Passat in right there. I think I know what my next car is going to be.

Holy Ants, Batman!

2007-03-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

According to this article, a holy cold war has been inflicted on a Buddhist temple in Malaysia.

Why? Because poisonous stinging red ants have taken residency in this temple. The problem? The Buddhist religion has vowed to "respect other living things", which causes the roadblock of not being able to exterminate these pests even though they have actually sent monks to the hospital and continue to threaten their very lives.

Interesting. In contrast, this seems like the liberals running a war on terrorism: There's an obvious problem, they have no real solution, they are willing to waste time and resources to half-baked responses, and in the meantime, they get their butts handed to them and are being eaten alive because they don't realize when it's actually time to fight and stick it out until victory is achieved.

The Hunt is Over... Pt 2

2007-03-02T16:51:00.000-08:00

I just re-read my post on "Useless Info, Volume 1" and realized I have had way too much time on my hands. I'm so glad I start work again on Monday...

Useless Info, Volume 1

2007-03-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

Today I looked at the calendar and said to myself "Holy crap, it's March! I have to write another rent check already?!"

So the question pops up in my mind, "why is February so short?" So, I started a little research.

No one seems to know the 100% reasoning of the short month, but here are a couple theories:

Theory #1 (though widely believed, historians have marked this one as bunk):

February is so short because the Romans borrowed a day from it to add to August. August was originally a 30-day month called Sextilis, but it was renamed to honor the emperor Augustus Caesar, just as July had earlier been renamed to honor Julius Caesar. Naturally, it wouldn't do to have Augustus' month be shorter than Julius's, hence the switch.

Theory #2 (this one makes the most sense):

The "original" Roman calendar only had 10 months, starting with March and ending with December. Nothing really happened during the winter months, so what we now know as January and February didn't exist, in fact, they were empty. The 8 week period between December and March had no name. Why wasn't this time period named? The calendar was created to govern the cycle of planting and harvesting. At this time, which was about 3000 years ago, the only thing going on was agriculture. Nothing happened in the winter, thus meaning the time between December and March didn't "deserve" to be tracked.

Sidebar question: If the time between December and March wasn't tracked or named, how did the Romans know when March officially started?

Some time later, a Roman king by the name of Numa Pompilius, had figured out that giving the world a calendar that was missing one sixth of the year didn't make any sense. Pompilius decided that the calendar should consist of 355 days, which was the approximate time it took for 12 lunar cycles. While still not quite accurate, it was at least a step in the right direction. Within the 12 lunar cycles, January and February were added to the end of the calendar year. There were also several "leap days" added to equal out the time it took to appropriately govern the agricultural process.

It's also important to note that the Romans thought even numbers to be unlucky. Pompilius made 31 days out of 7 months and 29 days out of 4 of the months. With the 355 day calendar, this left 28 days remaining, thus requiring one month to have an even number of days (remember, even numbers were unlucky to the Romans). Since the calendar, at this time, started in March and ended in the newly created month of February, it only made since to make the unlucky month the last of the year. Thus February was given 28 days.

In case you wondering:

It is known that Julius Caesar was the one who later changed the calendar to 365 days, hence the Julian Calendar. This was probably done because having 10 leap days a year just didn't make sense when it was a known fact that it took 365 1/4 days for the Earth to orbit the sun, Even though having "30" days would be an even number (unlucky), it had to happen because, lucky or not, superstition cannot override hard fact.
Since we couldn't have 365 and "1/4" days in a year, the calendar was changed so that every 4 years, an extra day is added to the shortest month of the year, February. This allows the calendar to catch up on each of the "forgotten" 6 hours of each year, every 4 years.

That, my friends, is useless information that you will probably never be able to apply to anything in your life.

A Convenient Truth

2007-02-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

I love it when Democrats are exposed as the hypocrites they are. You've probably seen the news about Gore's electricity bill being close to $1400 a month.

Yup, the voice behind global warming awareness is wasting natural resources more than the average American.

Gore claims he makes up for it by investing in $432 per month in green power.

Um, hello? Two problems here:

Do the math: $1359 on the non-environment friendly energy consumption per month. $432 a month in green power investments. That's $927 worth of still-wasted energy consumption per month. That doesn't offset anything. Yet, he states this balances 100%. We can post that statement right next to him spelling "potato" with an "e".
Gore's spokeperson, Kalee Kreider, states "Focusing on Gore's personal electricity consumption misses the point of "An Inconvenient Truth," which is that governments and the public can work together to reduce emissions."

Thanks for pointing #2 out. What part of Gore's wasteful energy consumption works with the people and the government to reduce emissions? Is it the part about investing in green energy each month? Nope, that can't be it (refer to #1 above). This doesn't change the fact that he is wasting fossil fuels just like the rest of the world.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "just like the rest of the world"? I meant, 4 times more than the average American with an equivalent size home as Gore.

Too bad I'm not a Democrat. If I was, I could start a campaign raising awareness about blogging being a waste of time and energy. And then blog about it.

The Hunt is Over

2007-02-27T15:55:00.000-08:00

After 5 weeks of job searching, video game playing, book reading boredom, I finally got an offer at Microsoft.

So, I've gone from Cingular to Microsoft to Cingular and now back to Microsoft. Full circle, twice.

Whatever, the money is good. I think I'll take it.

Let the Beat Rock!

2007-02-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

A lot of people ask me why I am so "in love" with electronic music. My question back to them is "how can you not love it?"

People in this country are so enveloped in rock, hip hop, and country. People say techno is repetitive. When I listen to the aforementioned genres, I hear:

Rock: The same old guitar rifs, all the time. I like bands/singers like Dave Matthews, Jason Mraz, John Legend, Green Day, and a few others, but when you get into hard rock/metal, it's all the same: HATRED! DIE! WORSHIP SATAN! KILL! Call me crazy, but that is just not my thing (especially the worship Satan part).
Hip hop: I like the beats for the most part. They aren't too different from most techno beats that I listen to, just slowed down. The thing that gets me, much like hard rock/metal, the message is repetitive: Got my gat, gonna bust a cap, (droppin the "N" bomb), killin gangsta's, gettin some boot-ay!, and the always classic "BLING". Talk about repetitive! And the hip hop fans are the one's who question my taste the most. Of course, it's generally the white guys who think listening to hip hop makes them tough.
Country: Twang twang diddly dang, "My wife left me, my truck was stolen, and my dog ran away". Enough said right there.

My response as to why I like techno so much: First off, I don't like the mainstream crap you hear on your local FM radio station. That, in fact, does fit your stereotype of annoying and repetitive. I'll give you that.

I listen to the stuff you can't easily find in the U.S., yet has taken the rest of the world by storm. Breakbeats, house, ambient dub, and drum n' bass.

The best part: There is no message. It's all about the music. It is not defined by the lyrics. You're not influenced or corrupted by some dumbass like Kanye West who seems to think their musical talent justifies a political opinion.

My challenge to you is to take a look at a couple of the links I have provided below. This is electronic music by genre, that has swept the world, yet is difficult to find in the US. This is the music I live by. The music that I love. Enjoy.

Some of these are links to podcasts, so it will open up in iTunes if you have it:

Breakbeats: Strongarm Sessions Hosted by Elite Force
House: Emerging Frontiers hosted by Matt Barge
Ambient Dub/Chillout: Ablak-A-Dubra Radioshow Hosted by Fine Cut Bodies
Drum & Bass: hosted by various artists associated with Drum & Bass Arena

Political Crap

2007-02-24T22:39:00.000-08:00

I was just reading an article about how Cheney is, when reading between the lines, threatening war with Iran because they are not complying with shutting down their nuclear program.

I could spend hours getting into details here, but I'm just going to get to the point:

It is so hypocritical that the UN, specifically the United States, is threatening countries that have nuclear programs with war. Who is the biggest nuclear power on the Earth? The US. How can we, in good conscience, tell other countries they can't have nuclear programs when we have the worst kind imaginable?

In closing, I'd like to preemptively counteract my Democrat and Liberal friends that are sure to say something like "that's a Republican for you", just remember: Franklin D. Roosevelt, who started the nuclear shame, was a Democrat.

The Hunt

2007-02-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been since January 29th since I was laid off from my job. I'm on week four of unenjoyment (a.k.a. unemployment).

According to my "Job Application Log", I have applied for 24 positions. I've had a couple promising interviews where I'm waiting for next steps, a second interview, or an offer.

Regardless, I am going stir crazy. I've never been out of a job like this. At least, not when I'm responsible for stuff, i.e. rent, groceries, car payment, bills, etc.

It's ironic that when I had a job, I looked forward to having more than a week off. Now that I've got more than a week off, all I want is to get back in a job. Funny how that works out.

The Greatest Gift

2007-02-17T23:19:00.000-08:00

In this world, people are very proud and love to create things for themselves. They tend to think that even though what they create may not be quite as nice as other options out there, they want to stick with what they made "because they made it".

In this example, let's talk about building a house.

So you decide to build a house with your own blood, sweat, and tears. You mock up the blue-prints, you buy the tools, wood, concrete, wiring, and whatever else you may need.

You start building.

As you go along you find out that building a house is actually very difficult. As you progress, it becomes more complex and you get extremely frustrated. You find you cannot do it alone.

As you become so frustrated and decide you might give up, some strange guy walks up to you and says, "Hey, I see that you are having some troubles there and I thought I might pass along a message. I know a guy who has offered to give you a 'street-of-dreams' quality house, all paid for, no paper work to sign, already built, completely furnished, and ready for you to move in. Just accept this gift and all you have to do in return is get to know him."

Tell me, do you accept the greatest gift you could ever imagine? Or would you say "no thanks", either giving up on your house and losing everything, or let your pride get the best of you and keep building your own house that will never meet the world's standards?

This post is a conversation-starter. Let me know what you would do. I am quite curious.

Happy VD... Uh...

2007-02-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

I've seen a lot of people put "Happy VD" on their Messenger tag line today. I'm not sure if they really thought about what that looks like, but this is definitely not something you should use use an acronym on.

For those of you that are reading this and still don't get the irony behind using this acronym, I'll spell it out for you... These people are intending "VD" to stand for Valentines Day, but this is actually the acronym for Venereal Disease!

So, my lesson to you today is not to say "Happy VD", unless you actually have it and you just gave it to someone you don't like. Oh, by the way, if the latter is the truth, let me know. I really don't want to hang out with you anymore...

ABC Gum

2007-02-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

That's right, "Already Been Chewed" is the theme of this story. I ran into this story, titled Students get a lesson to chew on, on MSNBC.

Quick synopsis: A non-profit organization called the Rockville Pregnancy Center, was leading a demonstration at several high schools, talking about pregnancy and STD awareness. There were two parts to the demonstration:

Having a volunteer chew a piece of gum for 5 seconds. When the 5 seconds is up, ask someone else to take over and start chewing that same piece of gum (i.e. ABC Gum). Apparently, upwards to 18 people were involved in this process.
Having a volunteer choose one of 4 pieces of chocolate, one of which may or may not have a laxative in it.

I understand the point is to show how stupid kids can be by willingly putting themselves in a situation that can have seriously negative affects.

What I don't understand is why they didn't just express their point before allowing the next person to partake in the demonstration. They are now the cause of that which they are trying to prevent.

The least of my concerns here is the Chocolate Volunteer choosing the Snickers: Colon Blow Edition. This is my big concern:

Imagine if ABC Gum Volunteer #3 had Herpes Simplex A (for those of you that don't know, this is mouth herpes). Now, ABC Gum Volunteers #4-18 have a bucket of herpes in their mouth.

What's next? Handing out a loaded bong with a lighter in D.A.R.E class?! "See what happens when you do drugs!"

Final thought: If I ever have a kid, I'll just pay the money for private school.

Tent City

2007-02-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

I don't understand why people are getting their panties in a bunch over Tent City.

It's a good thing. People constantly complain how horrible the homeless rate is, yet when these people band together and construct "Tent City", a place the homeless can call home, a destitute "apartment" complex so-to-speak, people are freaking out, saying they don't want it around.

"It's unsafe". "There are schools nearby and it doesn't seem right".

These people have a right to live. "Tent City" is a lot better than having these begging, sick, and dying citizens strewn all over our streets with no shelter.

Quit complaining and try coming up with a solution for once! Stop being the problem!

My Fiance and I were talking about this and came up with a solution in a manner of minutes.

If people don't feel "safe" with homeless camping out in the vicinity, why not have these people registered so that, if needed, they can easily be identified?

Doesn't sound like much? Well, think of it this way: Sex offenders are only required to register so that people are aware of where they live. For sex offenders, Level 1 to 3, this is all they need to do and no one can do anything about having them around. Most homeless people's worst crime is panhandling, yet they are treated worse then people who violently rape innocent human beings.

I really try not to judge people, but it's so hard not to when I know this level of hypocrisy is in our society.

These people have way too much sand in their vagina. That's right, I went there.

Stop being retarded!

2007-02-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

So, a little over a week ago, there was the supposed bomb scare when people found little electronic components with an image of the Moonbot from Aqua Teen Hunger Force flipping off anyone who's eyes may have seen it.

Most of them looked like broken remote controls.

I know talking about this is like beating a dead horse, but I had to add my two cents.

You people have lost your entire sense of humor. That's exactly what is wrong with this country now. The majority is so wrapped up in security that it has forgotten the fundamentals of what it is to be an American.

Freedom of Speech. Opportunity. The right to be who you are without conviction.

Pull that stick out of your ass and remember what country you live in. Stop overreacting to stupid crap like this. Just remember, when you freak out like you have to such trivial pranks such as this, that means the terrorists have gotten exactly what they want, to make us live in fear.

Little Salamander

2007-02-06T21:18:00.000-08:00

You know how sometimes you see something and it reminds you of a song, and then that song is stuck in your head all day?

Little salamander, where did you go?
The edge of the yard
I found you, you know
All brown and hard

I can't get your body out of my mind!

Yeah so, I took out the garbage this morning and I discovered my fiance had run over a salamander in our driveway. Since I saw the salamander, I have the squished amphibian picture and the Presidents song "Body" stuck in my head and it's driving me up the freaking wall.

I was hoping that sharing this with the world would get rid of it, but I guess that didn't work...

Thank you, kill a tree again!

2007-02-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

I find it very ironic that with the emphasis in the world today is how to reverse global warming, reducing, reusing, recycling and all that jazz. Cool. I am all about making this a cleaner greener Earth (yes, that is even coming from a Republican like me).

My question: While most of world is now complying to the standards mentioned above, why is it that grocery stores are not meeting these standards?

My first complaint is why can't you recycle plastic grocery bags? It's plastic... other plastic items can be recycled, but Waste Management will deny the recycle can if they see plastic bags in there.

My second complaint is derived from my trip to the store I just got back from. I bought a bottle of hot sauce. That's it. I measured the receipt and it came out to be 2 inches wide and just under a foot long. A bottle of hot sauce justifies a receipt this big? It's not like it's recycled paper or anything. This is fresh tape. If everyone gets a receipt like this, it makes me wonder how many trees are cut down every year just to support written documentation of necessities bought.

Hobo Hotline

2007-01-31T19:52:00.000-08:00

As I let you all know in my previous post about losing my job, I had to call the Hobo Hotline, also known as the Unemployment Hotline, yesterday (Tuesday).

"Due to a high volume of calls, we are currently experiencing heavy wait times. You're expected wait time is Wednesday through Friday."

I am not joking. I am not being a smartass. This is what the Hobo Hotline actually said.

So, for all you people out there that are getting laid off or losing your jobs for whatever other reason, just go to the website and file online.

The Means Have Justified The End

2007-01-31T19:42:00.000-08:00

The other day I broke the toilet seat just by sitting on it.

I was pretty upset by this, wondering "how the heck could I do that?!"

Well, tonight the epiphany hit me. I answered my own question when I realized I grabbed a glass of milk and seven Oreo's.

I am my own worst enemy.

Dammit.

Ironic? I think so.

2007-01-31T19:16:00.000-08:00

Police Want "Prison Break" Star Charged For Vehicular Manslaughter

I think someone is gonna be somebody's bitch!

Xbox Live

2007-01-26T19:25:00.000-08:00

Hey, Xbox... you're Live Silver membership is worthless. Just thought I'd share that. I was supposed to be a nerd tonight and play Gears of War online with some buddies but alas, my membership does not have this ability.

Due to the job situation as described below, I'm not in a position to drop $50 on a membership until I know I am safe in my employment.

If Xbox were more like Playstation, the membership would be free and I could call "Game On!!!!" tonight like the nerd in me wants to say.

Whatever.

It's all in the paperwork...

2007-01-26T14:43:00.000-08:00

So, I'm a contracted business analyst to Cingular. I get a call last night saying that Cingular can't find the paperwork for my contract. Without that, I can't work. So I'm being forced to take a vacation day as they "get the signature".

Intertesting. I'm not too worried about it because they said they really like me and want to keep me on board; they just need to re-do the paperwork so I can come back on as soon as possible. "Legalities" I guess.

I just find this kinda lame because now I have to use a vacation day. I would have liked to have saved this for actual vacation.

Update: Well, it wasn't just the paperwork. With the AT&T/Bell South merger having it's downstream effects to Cingular resulted in me losing my job. That, my friends, is super lame. Now I'm on the job hunt...

"War is Post-Birth Abortion"

2007-01-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

I was driving home from work the other day and someone had posted a giant sign on an overpass for everyone to see. This is a common place where democrats/liberals like to protest. It is also a place where I like to flip the birdie to people on the overpass. In case you are asking yourself, this is not just a coincidence.

The sign read "War is Post-Birth Abortion".

Let's think about this. The protestors, most likely liberals over democrats, are using this statement to prove their point that the war in Iraq is wrong and immoral. Good for you libs, I may not agree with your opinion, but I respect it.

However, using "War is Post-Birth Abortion" is very ironic. I know you are trying to make a point using the fact that Republicans are against abortion, but this is where you have made yourself hypocrites:

You are pro-choice. You support abortion. By saying "War is Post-Birth Abortion", you are, without realizing it, saying that you are pro-war.

Here's an idea: I'm going to make a sign that says "Abortion is Pre-Birth War".

Paper Cuts

2007-01-19T15:04:00.000-08:00

I love paper cuts. Quite mysterious they are.

It's quick slice, a little blood, and the release of endorphins as the body quickly tries to heal itself.

Other times, you just notice a cringing sensation and you find the cut, wondering "Golly jee, when did this happen?".

Paper cuts are the best when they are inside the knuckle so that anytime you bend your finger, you are pleasantly reminded of the initial contact of skin-paper-skin.

Oh wait, I'm being very cynical here.

PAPER CUTS F'N SUCK! OW! MY FINGER HURTS! SON OF A...!!!!

that's all for now.

She's a man's man, man.

2007-01-15T18:20:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the grocery store. Interesting experience it was.

I picked up salmon, milk,and eggs. I walk up to the register and the clerk rings up my groceries. I, not really paying attention, just walk up to the debit machine and start running my card.

"How's your night going?" I ask, more out of habit, not like a genuinely cared (come on, we all do it...). I didn't even look up because I'm pressing the series of buttons on the debit machine.

"Not too bad. Do you have an Albertson's Card?" The clerk asks.

"No, ma'am, I don't." I reply.

Pause. "Would you like to sign up for one?"

"No thank you, ma'am", I answer.

Another pause. "Please don't call me 'ma'am'" The clerk stated, sounding somewhat annoyed.

The clerks voice was, well, either high for a man, or low for a woman, and as previously mentioned, I wasn't really paying attention. I say "Sorry, about that, sir."

Whoops! I just realized as I said that, that clerk actually was a woman... just, well, kind of a beastly one. Oh crap.

She says, "Actually, I meant 'ma'am' makes me feel old. Thanks."

Wow, now I felt like an ass.

Survival of the... what?

2007-01-15T09:44:00.000-08:00

You know, I am absolutely amazed at how some people survive in this world. In my job, I am a business analyst, project manager, tech support, and an administrator for an application at work. I'm a busy guy. I don't really have time to decipher emails from people that can't even speak or type in any form of English.

I can work with some typos and the occasional skipped word, but when someone is trying to get something across to me and throws out misspelled words, contractions where they shouldn't be, double negatives, and contradictions to one's own statements, it makes my job really difficult.

Here is an example of what I am dealing with right now:

Idiot: I would like to make an account on your [system] or [some other system]. I took over this job from a gentleman with the name. He had an account here. I am not doing work for this in Illinois. Can you please contact me on how I can get account.

Me: Do you need an account for [my application] or [the other system]? They are two different systems, both are based on the [vendor] platform. I can help with [my application]. If you're not sure which one, just let me know what type of work you'll be doing and I should be able to figure out what you need.

If you already know you need access to [my application], go [URL], click "Apply for an Account", and fill out all the required information.

Idiot: I have a [other system] account. I saw that after I send you email. I apply one. If I didn't something wrong please let me know.

So, I then get a new user request from this guy in my system. Keep in mind, the new user request specifically details what is required information. This includes what access levels you need, what you will be doing in the system, first/last name, office phone number, and email address.

The idiot fails to enter what access levels he needs or what he will be doing in the application, so I have no idea how to set him up. On top of that, he enters his 5 digit office phone number, which somehow consists of numbers AND letters. Oh, and he also skipped his email address, but "luckily" I already had it from the email chain.

How this guy gets up in the morning and dresses himself, is beyond me. How he has the title "engineer" is also beyond me. The fact that someone hired this guy to do a job, proves he is not the only one which is this stupid.

This is proof that evolution is complete crap. Survival of the fittest? No, survival of the most reproductive is more like it. Stupid people breed excessively, and there is power in numbers, thus making stupid very, very powerful. No comment on the Bush Administration.

At least I can look at the bright side: If nothing sucked, nothing would be awesome. If nothing was ugly, nothing would be beautiful. Without stupid, there would be no smart.

The Laws of Plumbing

2007-01-13T17:19:00.000-08:00

This actually happened a couple weeks ago and I never got around to posting it. It will probably be very funny to you, but let me tell you, it PISSED ME OFF!

So, I'm sitting at work after having a pretty hefty lunch when my stomach turns and I realize I have to go to the restroom - bad. I pretty much sped-walk to the restroom and when I finally got there, the first stall was taken, so walk in to the next stall.

I notice the last person did not flush the toilet. Gross. I don't want to see that. Whatever, I'll just flush it. So the toilet starts flushing. And keeps flushing...

I'm dying at this point, I have to go so bad. What may have been 45 seconds to 1 minute, seemed like 4 or 5 minutes. The toilet still had not stopped flushing.

"Screw this... I'm going to another restroom."

I start making the painful walk out of the restroom, and as soon as I step foot out the door, the flushing stops.

I walk back into the stall, and guess what? IT STARTS FLUSHING AGAIN!!! WTF?!

I wait again for another minute and it just doesn't stop. It feels like torture at this point. I'm pissed, and the guy in the next stall is laughing his ass off.

This is when I decided it was definitely worth the walk to the other restroom.

The Weather Man

2007-01-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

The weather man drives me crazy. I've been sittin at home today, looking out the window and watching the newest snowstorm. It's been going four hours and we've probably got another couple inches.

I decide to give the weather man the benefit of the doubt and check out the forecast.

"In Western Washington, we are sunny and cold, but all the moisture has left us."

What the...?!

DUDE! Is your radar broke? Should we rename it the Dipwad Doppler?! It might be cold, but it ain't sunny! It's still snowing, and hard! Seeing that he can't even get it right for what's happening at this very moment, I'm not even going to hang around to see what is "going to happen".

I guess trying to find a weather man that knows what he is talking about is like finding an honest car salesman, lawyer, or politician. It's just not going to happen.

Tigger

2007-01-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

You know what grinds my gears? People like the Monoco family that are suing Disneyland because Tigger hit their son.

Has anyone watched the CBS interview with this family?

Anyone with half a brain can see this family has been coached by their lawyer and is lying through their teeth. The little bastard didn't even get hit that hard, however, he had enough "neck pain" to necessitate medication. They say the kid never provoked Tigger, but if you even glance at the video, you can see the kid did something to Tigger when he reached behind Tigger's back. However, "they did nothing to provoke Tigger.

This case is just as stupid as that one moron lady who sued McDonalds because SHE spilled hot coffee on herself.

Personally, I think we should, with a lack of better terms, kill two birds with one stone: Line up the Monoco kid next to the Burning Coffee Lady, give Tigger a pair of boxing gloves and have him beat the ever living crap out of them. Justice is served.

Step aside Terry Tate...

2007-01-09T17:06:00.000-08:00

There's a new office linebacker in town! Apparently this is the result of office gossip...

What's the capital of Thailand?

2007-01-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

The city of Bangkok has gone forward with the best thing since sliced bread:

Naptime!

Based on employee feedback, the City of Bangkok has implemented afternoon naptime in their office. Employees say they feel more refreshed and productive when they take naps in the middle of the day. With that said, this office has constructed a nap room with soft music, sweet-smelling flowers and strict rules disallowing mobile phones and talking.

Listen up corporate America... a happy employee is a productive employee, so let us nap. Just ask Bangkok. If you refuse to follow this trendset, come find me and let me ask you "What is the capital of Thailand?" so that I can punch your junk.

Taxes

2007-01-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

2005 went something like this: I worked my ass off, got paid very little, including automatic federal income tax dues, and put my monthly deposit into my mutual funds. Towards the end of the year, I made a $750 withdrawal from the mutual funds to afford Christmas presents for the whole family.

Now, a year later, I get a notice from the IRS saying that 2005 taxes were filed incorrectly and that I owe $199 because I didn't report the "additonal income" of $750.

70 to 80 years ago, the government created the IRS to collect income tax so that it could pay war costs and promised that when the war was over, the IRS would be closed and the income tax removed.

Today, the IRS still exists and it is now making me pay taxes on something that I already paid 13-14 months ago.

So here is my final thought: Anger over financial situations cause some people to drink, some to beat their kids. I, on the other hand, do not drink often and I have no kids...

Random thought...

2007-01-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

I am not going to jail. I have not committed any crimes, nor do I plan to in the future; however, if this was to happen and I was given the death sentence, I would choose my last meal to be an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I would eat very slowly, yet consistantly enough so they wouldn't cut me off, for the rest of my natural life.

Frodo Failed...

2007-01-03T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I had a great Christmas vacation. That's right: CHRISTMAS... not "holiday", not "ChristmaHanaKwaanza", it was CHRISTMAS. Like I've referred in my previous posts, if you don't like it, piss off!

Now that I got that out of the way, here's what happened on Christmas day:

The girlfriend, the girlfriend's daughter, and I start opening presents.

I got a new robe, the Family Guy DVD game, Da Ali G Show Seasons 1&2, a badass Brookstone car emergency kit, a couple new shirts, and last but not least, a bunch of other random stuff in the stocking.

The girlfriend's daughter got a new Nintendo DS Lite, Healies, a couple comic book subscriptions, and other stuff that I've already forgotten. Whatever, it's not my stuff!

The girlfriend got a new robe (great minds think alike), some new perfume that I can't say the name of (damn french), chocolates from Godiva, two of her favorite movies - Chocolat and Moonstruck (I don't get it, but she does), a massage at Gene Juarez, and last but definitely not least... one present that I refused to let her open until everything else was taken care of.

I told you that story, so that I could lead to this one:

The last present, as you can see in the picture below, was pretty good size. That is not a small cat next to it...

The girlfriend opens up the present and gets a look of dissappointment: "I already have this same skillet!"

I say "Um, keep going..."

She opens up the "skillet" and finds another wrapped up box. She tears off the wrapping paper and finds a shoebox, for the shoes I just happen to be wearing right then. On the shoebox, I have written "That wasn't a skillet...". She's pretty sure I didn't get her man shoes, so she opens that box. Now there is a white box that says "You didn't get shoes either...". So she opens this one and finds a bunch of pillow stuffing and gets this What the hell? look on her face and then realizes there is a little box inside the stuffing.

It got real quiet.

She slowly opens the box and finds the ring. My heart is pumping faster than it ever has (at least naturally if you know what I mean), and I [probably very pathetically] said I want to spend the rest of my life with her and asked her to marry me.

Still real quiet.

Then she finally speaks up with tears in her eyes and says "oh, it's a big fat yes in case you couldn't tell" and then gets up and pretty much tackles me.

So there it is, my girlfriend is now my fiance. Therefore, Frodo failed, my future wife has the ring.

No one can beat me at Solitaire... NO ONE!

2006-12-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

You know, I work in Corporate America, so I have had my fair share of time playing Solitaire on the computer, at work or at home (but mostly work), and the old fashioned method - just using a deck of cards.

I'd like to think I'm pretty good at Solitaire. It is very rare that I lose a game. Me, being the smartass that I am, came up with the phrase "No one can beat me at Solitaire... NO ONE!" just to take it a step further.

Well, no one except my damned iPod. I've had various iPods for over 2 years now and each one has had Solitaire on it. Not ONCE have I been able to beat the game on it.

This is really pissing me off. I think it's a conspiracy. I'm not even a conspiracy theorist. I just had to share this, but I have to go now. The government is watching me.

Season's Greetings

2006-12-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

I got this in email today and I found it rather amusing. This goes along with my previous post "Merry...":

For My Democrat Friends:
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

For My Republican Friends:
"Merry Christmas and Happy New Year"

OH SNAP!!!

2006-12-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

It's funny how many comments I've been getting about my profile picture on Myspace. Turns out it's a love or hate relationship. So far today I've been told:

"Dude, the Oh Snap pic is so funny, where did you get it?"

"Dude, you're off my top 8 until you remove the Oh Snap guy."

"Dude, I'm beginning to hate the Oh Snap guy."

"Dude, that pic is awesome!"
"Dude, remove that picture before I am forced to murder you."

I was a bit concerned about the second one. Nonetheless, I like the "Oh Snap" guy. So, whether you hate him or love him, here he is, for your viewing pleasure:

New Blogger Beta

2006-12-12T09:14:00.000-08:00

Blogger beta is a piece of crap. I thought I'd share that. Since I switched, my comments and links to posts have been hosed. So far, I can't find a way to switch back.

Just an FYI, if you haven't switched yet, don't. You will be sorry. Just wait for the full release!

Dear Santa...

2006-12-11T12:17:00.000-08:00

Were you ever a child that sent a letter to Santa at Christmas time, putting in your list of what you want for the most anticipated holiday of the year? I know I was. I never got a reply to my letters sent to Santa, but as my belief in him was dying out, I found myself asking, "where do my letters go?" I never found the answer to that question, but after reading this news story, I learned that several years later, the North Pole had answered that question.

Long story short (mainly because you can read the long story by clicking the link above) is that there is a town deep in Alaska that is named "North Pole". This town is full of roads called "Santa Claus Lane" and "Kris Kringle Drive". The United States Post Office teamed up with this little town.

Now, anytime a letter is sent to Santa, with or without postage, the letter is sent to North Pole, Alaska. In the North Pole, there is a large group of people which opens the letters that have a return address on them. They send replies to those kids ackowledging the letter was received and lets the kids hear what they want to hear so that the magic of Christmas can continue. This volunteer group signs these letters as Santa's elves.

There are some kids that would include questions such as "how many cookies can you eat in a night" or "am I on the nice or naughty list".

I'm going to send one that says "You fat bastard, I saw you trying to hump my mom. You better watch your back." I wonder what kind of reply I'd get for that one? I'll add an update if I get one.

Does Staples Have a "Pain-in-the-Ass" Button?!

2006-12-05T15:22:00.000-08:00

Time to let out a little frustration. At work, I've been running this report in this archaic web based system not by choice, but by requirement because it's all I have available. This system will only bring back 500 results at a time and does not allow an export to a spreadsheet for all results, only the 500 per page. It takes 3 minutes to "get the next 500 results".

I was on the 23rd page. Then, in the blink of an eye, my internet explorer and 3 other programs just shut down for the hell of it. No warnings, no slow downs, no errors, just shut down. Now I have to start all over.

Meanwhile, I have a Staple's "Easy Button" sitting in front of me, mocking me as if it was the reason my programs shut down and I have to do a bunch of re-work.

I think I'm going to create a "Pain-in-the-Ass" button, so that when you press it, it says "That was a pain in the ass!"

Merry...

2006-12-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

Throughout the years, I have seen the de-evolution of Christmas cheer. It went from "Merry Christmas" to "Happy Holidays" to "Seasons Greetings" to... nothing (can't risk offending anyone!)... back to "Happy Holidays", and well, it hasn't really gotten past that.

You know what? It's Merry Christmas. It always has been, it always will be. If I say "Merry Christmas" to you and you don't like it, piss off.

So here I am, wishing you all a Merry Christmas.

Poor Grandma...

2006-12-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know if this old lady was winning bingo to support her weed habit, or she was selling weed to support her bingo habit.

Either way, Grandma had 214 pounds of Mary Jane in her trunk when she was pulled over by state troopers.

Taking a wild guess, that's worth about $1,095,680 on the street, pulling in an estimated profit margin of $510,580. Don't ask how I came to that conclusion. Instead, read the full story here.

I was supposed to visit my Grandma tonight, but turns out she won't be available for 3-12 years.

The Cranky Monkey vs. Murphy's Law

2006-12-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

I had to share this... A buddy of mine, The Cranky Monkey has very bad luck with Murphy's Law.

The Cranky Monkey is exactly that, very cranky. He goes to work, complains about it, and repeatedly tries to get fired or laid off. Why he doesn't just quit and find a job he likes, I don't know. Maybe he is hesitant about losing the material behind all his highly entertaining blogs about inconsiderate morons in corporate restrooms.

One would think that if an employer hears their employee begging to be laid off, they would have the sense to recognize the individual no longer wants to work there and let him go. Does it matter why? No. Just let him go.

Seriously, he makes every effort to motivate his employer to let him go, but no, they keep saying "Congratulations, we decided to keep you on board!"

And people say Alcatraz was impossible to escape...

Hopefully one day his dreams will come true and he will be let go. Godspeed Cranky Monkey. Godspeed to you.

I Don't Wanna Taste The Rainbow!!!

2006-12-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

Last week my girlfriend took me to Gene Juarez for my birthday and I noticed all around there were signs saying "If you have consumed alcohol in the last 12 hours, we highly recommend you reschedule your appointment. Most of our massages release toxins that, when combined with alcohol in the system, will cause nausea."

Well guess what Gene Juarez... You need a warning that you shouldn't be consuming alcohol for ANOTHER 12 hours AFTER the massage!

About two and half hours after I got out of the massage, I had to go home because my girlfriend was throwing a party for me. I drank and I drank and I drank. After that, I drank some more.

Apparently, the alcohol I consumed conflicted with the toxins in my body and I got twice as drunk in half the time that I can normally handle.

I lost it. I found out what a Jagermeister/Red & Blue Jello Shot rainbow looked like. Trust me, it ain't pretty.

The lesson learned? Just reschedule the damn massage if drinking is to occur in the same 24-hour period. Unless you like "the rainbow". If you like to see this kind of rainbow, let me know because you probably aren't the type of person I want to hang out with. You sick bastard.

No Cock Fights Here...

2006-12-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

Alright, I'm jumping on the bandwagon and starting my own personal blog. I've been a member of www.enemesis.org for some time now (check it out), but it's time I have my own blog with my own stuff on my own time. This blog will be all about me and what goes on in the ol' roosters mind.

Oh, and never ask me "if a rooster is sitting on the top of a roof and lays an egg, does it roll to the left or right side of the roof?" You're an idiot if you don't know the answer to this question. Everyone knows eggs roll to the left...

By the way, if you like sarcasm, hang around. I have plenty of it.

More to come...