The Rooster Strikes Again!

As I let you all know in my previous post about losing my job, I had to call the Hobo Hotline, also known as the Unemployment Hotline, yesterday (Tuesday).

"Due to a high volume of calls, we are currently experiencing heavy wait times. You're expected wait time is Wednesday through Friday."

I am not joking. I am not being a smartass. This is what the Hobo Hotline actually said.

So, for all you people out there that are getting laid off or losing your jobs for whatever other reason, just go to the website and file online.

Labels: advice

Posted by Rooster at 7:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

The other day I broke the toilet seat just by sitting on it.

I was pretty upset by this, wondering "how the heck could I do that?!"

Well, tonight the epiphany hit me. I answered my own question when I realized I grabbed a glass of milk and seven Oreo's.

I am my own worst enemy.

Dammit.

Labels: idiots, random thoughts

Posted by Rooster at 7:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

Police Want "Prison Break" Star Charged For Vehicular Manslaughter

I think someone is gonna be somebody's bitch!

Labels: irony

Posted by Rooster at 7:16 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hey, Xbox... you're Live Silver membership is worthless. Just thought I'd share that. I was supposed to be a nerd tonight and play Gears of War online with some buddies but alas, my membership does not have this ability.

Due to the job situation as described below, I'm not in a position to drop $50 on a membership until I know I am safe in my employment.

If Xbox were more like Playstation, the membership would be free and I could call "Game On!!!!" tonight like the nerd in me wants to say.

Whatever.

Labels: advice

Posted by Rooster at 7:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

So, I'm a contracted business analyst to Cingular. I get a call last night saying that Cingular can't find the paperwork for my contract. Without that, I can't work. So I'm being forced to take a vacation day as they "get the signature".

Intertesting. I'm not too worried about it because they said they really like me and want to keep me on board; they just need to re-do the paperwork so I can come back on as soon as possible. "Legalities" I guess.

I just find this kinda lame because now I have to use a vacation day. I would have liked to have saved this for actual vacation.

Update: Well, it wasn't just the paperwork. With the AT&T/Bell South merger having it's downstream effects to Cingular resulted in me losing my job. That, my friends, is super lame. Now I'm on the job hunt...

Labels: random thoughts

Posted by Rooster at 2:43 PM | Permalink | Comments

I was driving home from work the other day and someone had posted a giant sign on an overpass for everyone to see. This is a common place where democrats/liberals like to protest. It is also a place where I like to flip the birdie to people on the overpass. In case you are asking yourself, this is not just a coincidence.

The sign read "War is Post-Birth Abortion".

Let's think about this. The protestors, most likely liberals over democrats, are using this statement to prove their point that the war in Iraq is wrong and immoral. Good for you libs, I may not agree with your opinion, but I respect it.

However, using "War is Post-Birth Abortion" is very ironic. I know you are trying to make a point using the fact that Republicans are against abortion, but this is where you have made yourself hypocrites:

You are pro-choice. You support abortion. By saying "War is Post-Birth Abortion", you are, without realizing it, saying that you are pro-war.

Here's an idea: I'm going to make a sign that says "Abortion is Pre-Birth War".

Labels: abortion, democrats, irony, liberals, pro choice, pro life, republicans, war

Posted by Rooster at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments

I love paper cuts. Quite mysterious they are.

It's quick slice, a little blood, and the release of endorphins as the body quickly tries to heal itself.

Other times, you just notice a cringing sensation and you find the cut, wondering "Golly jee, when did this happen?".

Paper cuts are the best when they are inside the knuckle so that anytime you bend your finger, you are pleasantly reminded of the initial contact of skin-paper-skin.

Oh wait, I'm being very cynical here.

PAPER CUTS F'N SUCK! OW! MY FINGER HURTS! SON OF A...!!!!

that's all for now.

Labels: random thoughts

Posted by Rooster at 3:04 PM | Permalink | Comments

I just got back from the grocery store. Interesting experience it was.

I picked up salmon, milk,and eggs. I walk up to the register and the clerk rings up my groceries. I, not really paying attention, just walk up to the debit machine and start running my card.

"How's your night going?" I ask, more out of habit, not like a genuinely cared (come on, we all do it...). I didn't even look up because I'm pressing the series of buttons on the debit machine.

"Not too bad. Do you have an Albertson's Card?" The clerk asks.

"No, ma'am, I don't." I reply.

Pause. "Would you like to sign up for one?"

"No thank you, ma'am", I answer.

Another pause. "Please don't call me 'ma'am'" The clerk stated, sounding somewhat annoyed.

The clerks voice was, well, either high for a man, or low for a woman, and as previously mentioned, I wasn't really paying attention. I say "Sorry, about that, sir."

Whoops! I just realized as I said that, that clerk actually was a woman... just, well, kind of a beastly one. Oh crap.

She says, "Actually, I meant 'ma'am' makes me feel old. Thanks."

Wow, now I felt like an ass.

Labels: irony

Posted by Rooster at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

You know, I am absolutely amazed at how some people survive in this world. In my job, I am a business analyst, project manager, tech support, and an administrator for an application at work. I'm a busy guy. I don't really have time to decipher emails from people that can't even speak or type in any form of English.

I can work with some typos and the occasional skipped word, but when someone is trying to get something across to me and throws out misspelled words, contractions where they shouldn't be, double negatives, and contradictions to one's own statements, it makes my job really difficult.

Here is an example of what I am dealing with right now:

Idiot: I would like to make an account on your [system] or [some other system]. I took over this job from a gentleman with the name. He had an account here. I am not doing work for this in Illinois. Can you please contact me on how I can get account.

Me: Do you need an account for [my application] or [the other system]? They are two different systems, both are based on the [vendor] platform. I can help with [my application]. If you're not sure which one, just let me know what type of work you'll be doing and I should be able to figure out what you need.

If you already know you need access to [my application], go [URL], click "Apply for an Account", and fill out all the required information.

Idiot: I have a [other system] account. I saw that after I send you email. I apply one. If I didn't something wrong please let me know.

So, I then get a new user request from this guy in my system. Keep in mind, the new user request specifically details what is required information. This includes what access levels you need, what you will be doing in the system, first/last name, office phone number, and email address.

The idiot fails to enter what access levels he needs or what he will be doing in the application, so I have no idea how to set him up. On top of that, he enters his 5 digit office phone number, which somehow consists of numbers AND letters. Oh, and he also skipped his email address, but "luckily" I already had it from the email chain.

How this guy gets up in the morning and dresses himself, is beyond me. How he has the title "engineer" is also beyond me. The fact that someone hired this guy to do a job, proves he is not the only one which is this stupid.

This is proof that evolution is complete crap. Survival of the fittest? No, survival of the most reproductive is more like it. Stupid people breed excessively, and there is power in numbers, thus making stupid very, very powerful. No comment on the Bush Administration.

At least I can look at the bright side: If nothing sucked, nothing would be awesome. If nothing was ugly, nothing would be beautiful. Without stupid, there would be no smart.

Labels: evolution proven wrong, idiots, random thoughts, sand in your vagina

Posted by Rooster at 9:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

This actually happened a couple weeks ago and I never got around to posting it. It will probably be very funny to you, but let me tell you, it PISSED ME OFF!

So, I'm sitting at work after having a pretty hefty lunch when my stomach turns and I realize I have to go to the restroom - bad. I pretty much sped-walk to the restroom and when I finally got there, the first stall was taken, so walk in to the next stall.

I notice the last person did not flush the toilet. Gross. I don't want to see that. Whatever, I'll just flush it. So the toilet starts flushing. And keeps flushing...

I'm dying at this point, I have to go so bad. What may have been 45 seconds to 1 minute, seemed like 4 or 5 minutes. The toilet still had not stopped flushing.

"Screw this... I'm going to another restroom."

I start making the painful walk out of the restroom, and as soon as I step foot out the door, the flushing stops.

I walk back into the stall, and guess what? IT STARTS FLUSHING AGAIN!!! WTF?!

I wait again for another minute and it just doesn't stop. It feels like torture at this point. I'm pissed, and the guy in the next stall is laughing his ass off.

This is when I decided it was definitely worth the walk to the other restroom.

Labels: irony

Posted by Rooster at 5:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

The weather man drives me crazy. I've been sittin at home today, looking out the window and watching the newest snowstorm. It's been going four hours and we've probably got another couple inches.

I decide to give the weather man the benefit of the doubt and check out the forecast.

"In Western Washington, we are sunny and cold, but all the moisture has left us."

What the...?!

DUDE! Is your radar broke? Should we rename it the Dipwad Doppler?! It might be cold, but it ain't sunny! It's still snowing, and hard! Seeing that he can't even get it right for what's happening at this very moment, I'm not even going to hang around to see what is "going to happen".

I guess trying to find a weather man that knows what he is talking about is like finding an honest car salesman, lawyer, or politician. It's just not going to happen.

Labels: evolution proven wrong, idiots, irony, random thoughts

Posted by Rooster at 3:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

You know what grinds my gears? People like the Monoco family that are suing Disneyland because Tigger hit their son.

Has anyone watched the CBS interview with this family?

Anyone with half a brain can see this family has been coached by their lawyer and is lying through their teeth. The little bastard didn't even get hit that hard, however, he had enough "neck pain" to necessitate medication. They say the kid never provoked Tigger, but if you even glance at the video, you can see the kid did something to Tigger when he reached behind Tigger's back. However, "they did nothing to provoke Tigger.

This case is just as stupid as that one moron lady who sued McDonalds because SHE spilled hot coffee on herself.

Personally, I think we should, with a lack of better terms, kill two birds with one stone: Line up the Monoco kid next to the Burning Coffee Lady, give Tigger a pair of boxing gloves and have him beat the ever living crap out of them. Justice is served.

Labels: advice, evolution proven wrong, idiots, irony, sand in your vagina

Posted by Rooster at 7:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

There's a new office linebacker in town! Apparently this is the result of office gossip...

Labels: sand in your vagina

Posted by Rooster at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

The city of Bangkok has gone forward with the best thing since sliced bread:

Naptime!

Based on employee feedback, the City of Bangkok has implemented afternoon naptime in their office. Employees say they feel more refreshed and productive when they take naps in the middle of the day. With that said, this office has constructed a nap room with soft music, sweet-smelling flowers and strict rules disallowing mobile phones and talking.

Listen up corporate America... a happy employee is a productive employee, so let us nap. Just ask Bangkok. If you refuse to follow this trendset, come find me and let me ask you "What is the capital of Thailand?" so that I can punch your junk.

Labels: advice, the good things in life

Posted by Rooster at 5:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

2005 went something like this: I worked my ass off, got paid very little, including automatic federal income tax dues, and put my monthly deposit into my mutual funds. Towards the end of the year, I made a $750 withdrawal from the mutual funds to afford Christmas presents for the whole family.

Now, a year later, I get a notice from the IRS saying that 2005 taxes were filed incorrectly and that I owe $199 because I didn't report the "additonal income" of $750.

70 to 80 years ago, the government created the IRS to collect income tax so that it could pay war costs and promised that when the war was over, the IRS would be closed and the income tax removed.

Today, the IRS still exists and it is now making me pay taxes on something that I already paid 13-14 months ago.

So here is my final thought: Anger over financial situations cause some people to drink, some to beat their kids. I, on the other hand, do not drink often and I have no kids...

Labels: random thoughts

Posted by Rooster at 9:36 PM | Permalink | Comments

I am not going to jail. I have not committed any crimes, nor do I plan to in the future; however, if this was to happen and I was given the death sentence, I would choose my last meal to be an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I would eat very slowly, yet consistantly enough so they wouldn't cut me off, for the rest of my natural life.

Labels: random thoughts

Posted by Rooster at 7:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

Well, I had a great Christmas vacation. That's right: CHRISTMAS... not "holiday", not "ChristmaHanaKwaanza", it was CHRISTMAS. Like I've referred in my previous posts, if you don't like it, piss off!

Now that I got that out of the way, here's what happened on Christmas day:

The girlfriend, the girlfriend's daughter, and I start opening presents.

I got a new robe, the Family Guy DVD game, Da Ali G Show Seasons 1&2, a badass Brookstone car emergency kit, a couple new shirts, and last but not least, a bunch of other random stuff in the stocking.

The girlfriend's daughter got a new Nintendo DS Lite, Healies, a couple comic book subscriptions, and other stuff that I've already forgotten. Whatever, it's not my stuff!

The girlfriend got a new robe (great minds think alike), some new perfume that I can't say the name of (damn french), chocolates from Godiva, two of her favorite movies - Chocolat and Moonstruck (I don't get it, but she does), a massage at Gene Juarez, and last but definitely not least... one present that I refused to let her open until everything else was taken care of.

I told you that story, so that I could lead to this one:

The last present, as you can see in the picture below, was pretty good size. That is not a small cat next to it...



The girlfriend opens up the present and gets a look of dissappointment: "I already have this same skillet!"

I say "Um, keep going..."

She opens up the "skillet" and finds another wrapped up box. She tears off the wrapping paper and finds a shoebox, for the shoes I just happen to be wearing right then. On the shoebox, I have written "That wasn't a skillet...". She's pretty sure I didn't get her man shoes, so she opens that box. Now there is a white box that says "You didn't get shoes either...". So she opens this one and finds a bunch of pillow stuffing and gets this What the hell? look on her face and then realizes there is a little box inside the stuffing.

It got real quiet.

She slowly opens the box and finds the ring. My heart is pumping faster than it ever has (at least naturally if you know what I mean), and I [probably very pathetically] said I want to spend the rest of my life with her and asked her to marry me.

Still real quiet.

Then she finally speaks up with tears in her eyes and says "oh, it's a big fat yes in case you couldn't tell" and then gets up and pretty much tackles me.

So there it is, my girlfriend is now my fiance. Therefore, Frodo failed, my future wife has the ring.

Posted by Rooster at 5:29 PM | Permalink | Comments